KEESLER AIR FORCE BASE, Miss. -- Everyone in life faces pain, difficulty and challenge. But sometimes that pain can become overwhelming darkness and seep inside a person, extinguishing their positivity like a shadow slowly extinguishing a light.
Capt. Yolanda Seals, 403rd Wing executive officer, said she found herself in one of those dark places when she was a lieutenant flight commander.
During that time, she said that she was facing an intense amount of pressure and conflict in her squadron. She felt like others thought she was just a lieutenant who didn’t know anything and so it didn’t matter what she thought, and that her voice was silenced.
She said she felt like one person in particular had it out for her and would spend every single day berating and bullying her relentlessly.
She also said that she felt stuck in the middle, trying to meet the demands of the leadership above her and also take care of the Airmen below her, but that nothing she did was enough.
“I needed a breath, and I couldn’t get it,” she said. “I felt like I was drowning.”
Seals said that the final thing that tipped her over the edge was when she found out she wasn’t going to deploy. She had been looking forward to the deployment not only because it would give her the opportunity to break away, but also because she’d never deployed before and felt like it would be a chance for her to grow as a leader and an Airman.
“I remember crying and calling home to my mom and I just couldn’t take it anymore,” she said. “I was just emotionally broken at that point. Spiritually broken. Mentally broken.”
She said that she was crying so hard she couldn’t call her mom back.
“It was dark, no lights were on, I didn’t eat…It was that moment in that darkness that I was really contemplating suicide,” she said. “At that point I was debating whether I was going to use my own weapon or take a bunch of sleeping pills.”
She said at that time she felt like nothing would make the pain she felt go away except ending her life. But eventually, a major and a senior master sergeant showed up at her house to help.
Chief Master Sgt. Esmeralda Chittom, Air Force Global Strike Command functional manager for the aviation resource management career field, was that senior master sergeant.
Chittom said that she felt self-doubt about whether stepping in was the right decision, but she showed up anyway.
“I was scared for her because she couldn’t see the value of herself at that moment,” Chittom said. “I was trying to remind her of her value and bring her back out of that darkness.”
Seals said that the three talked and prayed together late into the night and the two didn’t leave until they felt like she was really going to be ok. They also took her weapon with them when they left.
“When those two showed up, they were the right two to show up,” Seals said. “It took those two people and the love of my mother and the grace of God to have these two people intervene when I could easily have pulled the trigger or taken the pills.”
According to the Department of Defense Quarterly Suicide Report for calendar year and third quarter 2017, there were 482 deaths of military members by suicide in 2016 alone.
“Suicide continues to be a significant public health issue nationally and in the military. The Department will continue to track data in order to uncover existing patterns and trends to better understand and prevent deaths by suicide,” the report reads. “Communities, peers, close associates, families, and the media are critical in preventing death by suicide.”
“For her and that situation, it was that she was very open to seeking help and that she felt like people actually cared about her that made it a success,” Chittom said. "People can't wait until a crisis arises to build relationships. Captain Seals let me in because we had already built a foundation of trust. That's something we fail to emphasize to others, you need to have a proactive approach."
“It’s taken a toll, even now,” Seals said. “It’s an everyday process, you have to want to be positive every day even if you don’t feel like it. You have to want to live. You have to remember the people who truly love you and want what’s best for you.”
The report also states that everyone can play a positive role in suicide prevention and those concerned about a friend or loved one should be direct, be willing to listen, be non-judgmental, get involved, don’t act shocked, don’t be sworn to secrecy, offer sincere hope and get help.
In order to build and sustain a thriving and resilient total force community that fosters spiritual, mental, physical and social fitness, Air Force leadership developed the Comprehensive Airman Fitness program. This program encourages Airmen to develop and care for the four pillars in their lives and put policies in place to help shift the culture of how fitness is viewed and maintained.
“I think personally that you need something to fall back on when times get tough,” Chittom said. “Regardless, it can’t just be one pillar, so it’s almost like you need to strengthen them all because they’re all equally important.”
Chittom said that no one can understand what another person is truly going through, but from the outside looking in, it was a spiritual pillar that helped Seals rebuild her resiliency and make it to the other side of that difficult time in her life.
“Some people have different types of pillars that they use, but for me it was Jesus Christ,” Seals said. “That’s who I get my comfort from in the middle of the night when I’m struggling.”
Seals said that although she’s still healing from that time in her life and that the process is not easy or quick, through her spirituality and over time she has begun to build her resilience and become a stronger person.
“Each day, each opportunity gets better and better and that whole part of my life is just further and further in the past,” she said. “It still hurts, as you can tell, I get very emotional about it. But I’m okay. I’m alive.”
Seals said that if she could go back, she would tell herself to stand up for herself and not be afraid to go to equal opportunity or the inspector general’s office, even if that meant she would potentially face repercussions.
She also said that as difficult as that time was for her, she learned and grew from it.
“I definitely listen more because sometimes people are telling you they’re in pain but because you’re not listening, you’re not hearing them,” Seals said.
“It made her a better leader and a better follower having gone through that experience,” said Chittom. “It helped her understand that what may be easy for one person to overcome, may not be for another. It gave her more empathy and understanding of others.”
Seals said that her advice to those who may be struggling in their own lives is to have more courage to speak up and say something and to remember that whatever it is, “it doesn’t last always.”
Some resources available to 403rd Wing members include:
-
The 403rd Wing chaplain’s office, which can be reached at 228-377-0400.
-
The director of psychological health, Nicole Mayzner, who can be reached at 228-806-0913.
-
The Military/Veterans Crisis line. Members can call 1-800-273-8255 or text 838255
-
The Peer Support Call and Outreach Center. Members can call 844-357-PEER or text 480-360-6188.
-
Military OneSource has a variety of tools and resources at www.militaryonesource.mil.
-
The Keesler Military Family Life Counselor who can be reached at 228-365-5834 or 228-365-5927.