1 00:00:00,640 --> 00:00:04,470 I just almost ended it . So , 2 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:08,010 I got to the bed and I set up and I 3 00:00:08,010 --> 00:00:11,060 broke down and cried for forever . 4 00:00:11,940 --> 00:00:15,750 I slept 10 12 hours and I 5 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:18,540 remember waking up house was as quiet 6 00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:22,330 as it could be just me . And I woke 7 00:00:22,330 --> 00:00:25,550 up and and I instantly knew 8 00:00:25,940 --> 00:00:29,140 I'm still hurting . I'm awake . I feel 9 00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:32,240 the pain now , you know , madman's , 10 00:00:32,250 --> 00:00:34,139 the bags are killing me , my legs 11 00:00:34,139 --> 00:00:37,760 killing me , but I'm alive , Nothing's 12 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:39,982 changed . Has to get all the problems I 13 00:00:39,982 --> 00:00:43,930 had , but I'm alive . Something 14 00:00:43,930 --> 00:00:45,874 that clicked . I knew then at that 15 00:00:45,874 --> 00:00:49,850 point that I had a glimmer 16 00:00:49,860 --> 00:00:52,960 of hope which hope , lack of hope has 17 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,840 led to all this . I felt I had realized 18 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:58,980 I got to the point where the reason I 19 00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:01,036 was feeling like I was because there 20 00:01:01,036 --> 00:01:04,000 was I had no hope . I had no hope at 21 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,167 all . And when when you have no hope , 22 00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,389 you you're there , you're you're at the 23 00:01:08,389 --> 00:01:10,444 end of it , you have nothing . And I 24 00:01:10,444 --> 00:01:12,500 had a glimmer of hope . I was like , 25 00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:14,510 okay , I made it past that , I'm 12 26 00:01:14,510 --> 00:01:16,454 hours past that and I'm gonna make 27 00:01:16,454 --> 00:01:18,621 another 12 hours past that . I'm gonna 28 00:01:18,621 --> 00:01:20,810 I'm gonna put 24 hours between me and 29 00:01:20,810 --> 00:01:24,400 that moment And I'm gonna put 36 hours 30 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,567 between me and that moment , I'm gonna 31 00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,789 put 48 hours between me and that moment 32 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,373 my priest showed up Wednesday afternoon , 33 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,850 just normal as he always did on 34 00:01:33,850 --> 00:01:37,350 clockwork . Except this time 35 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,407 he didn't meet their , oh , I'm fine , 36 00:01:40,407 --> 00:01:43,750 Everything's great . High . I did what 37 00:01:43,750 --> 00:01:45,972 I should have already done to my priest 38 00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:47,694 was I completely just unloaded 39 00:01:47,694 --> 00:01:50,620 everything and uh that helped greatly 40 00:01:50,630 --> 00:01:53,660 to to finally talk to someone 41 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:58,460 who listened and knows 42 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,890 despair that people have and how it 43 00:02:01,890 --> 00:02:05,800 affects you . And and every visit 44 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:07,911 from then on was different between me 45 00:02:07,911 --> 00:02:10,800 and him . He brought a fresh case of 46 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:14,660 hope , everybody . Uh uh there 47 00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:17,960 was no , there was no uh no 48 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,540 epiphany here that oh , everything is 49 00:02:21,540 --> 00:02:23,540 gonna be great . I knew I still had 50 00:02:23,540 --> 00:02:26,150 everything problem ahead of me . I 51 00:02:26,150 --> 00:02:29,360 still had a mountain to climb , but 52 00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:34,520 I felt like I could do it , that I 53 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:37,380 could do it . And and when I woke up 54 00:02:37,380 --> 00:02:40,740 that morning , uh The 12 hours 55 00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:43,150 afterwards I put the pain pills away 56 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:46,120 and I went completely off any pain meds 57 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,342 that day . I was like , you know what ? 58 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,840 You're not helping me ? You've been 59 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,896 hurting me because face it , part of 60 00:02:52,896 --> 00:02:55,230 the , part of the problem of losing 61 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,990 losing track and losing control was I 62 00:02:57,990 --> 00:02:59,823 was so messed up on the , on the 63 00:02:59,823 --> 00:03:03,550 payments . They had to go slowly 64 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,790 but surely I started working through 65 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:11,760 each issue . Uh the doctor 66 00:03:11,770 --> 00:03:14,050 would say , well finally to repair the 67 00:03:14,050 --> 00:03:17,060 damage your two , I was finally able to 68 00:03:17,060 --> 00:03:20,830 get the drains removed . All 69 00:03:20,830 --> 00:03:23,250 this was months process past that . But 70 00:03:23,260 --> 00:03:26,820 headway was being made . Uh huh . Each 71 00:03:26,820 --> 00:03:29,050 one was a little bit . There were huge 72 00:03:29,050 --> 00:03:31,980 victories . But each one help me get to 73 00:03:31,980 --> 00:03:35,610 the next level and the next level . I 74 00:03:35,620 --> 00:03:39,160 was able to I had to go for a medical 75 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,230 review board , gave all the facts and 76 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,880 uh the next day I got a letter of uh 77 00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:48,020 return to full duty from from big Air 78 00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:51,760 Force which was a tremendous 79 00:03:53,540 --> 00:03:55,600 achievement , accomplishment . Just 80 00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:57,810 just I can go back to work . I still 81 00:03:57,810 --> 00:04:00,710 have a job as we were getting divorces 82 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,080 because part of capital divorce was 83 00:04:03,090 --> 00:04:05,500 counseling . We went to separate 84 00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:07,620 counseling . And after the first 85 00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:09,970 counseling session with my counselor , 86 00:04:09,970 --> 00:04:11,920 he's like a little , I'm not even 87 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,120 supposed to say this , but I can tell 88 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,342 you all getting divorced . So we're not 89 00:04:16,342 --> 00:04:18,453 gonna work on that , We're gonna work 90 00:04:18,453 --> 00:04:20,453 on you because I want to spend this 91 00:04:20,453 --> 00:04:22,910 time with you . So I had that I had the 92 00:04:22,910 --> 00:04:26,060 counseling . I still had the the weekly 93 00:04:26,070 --> 00:04:28,570 visits with my priest . That was that 94 00:04:28,570 --> 00:04:31,250 was helping out greatly . I was there 95 00:04:31,250 --> 00:04:34,280 was there's resources there , there's 96 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,880 help there . I just didn't know it . I 97 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,140 didn't see it . The one thing about 98 00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:42,360 suicide is that if you're successful , 99 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,840 you've ended , there's nothing past 100 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:49,540 that you will never get better . You 101 00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:51,950 you you die in this state you're in 102 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,951 never , there's no way you could ever 103 00:04:54,951 --> 00:04:57,140 get better . You denied yourself and 104 00:04:57,140 --> 00:04:59,196 others the opportunity to help you . 105 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,740 Because I didn't wasn't successful . I 106 00:05:02,740 --> 00:05:04,890 went on to make the conscious that I 107 00:05:04,890 --> 00:05:08,870 did . I learned things . I I I became 108 00:05:08,870 --> 00:05:11,730 an extradited at work . I eventually 109 00:05:11,730 --> 00:05:14,008 worked my way up to the job behold now , 110 00:05:14,008 --> 00:05:17,580 pro super , I experienced everything 111 00:05:17,620 --> 00:05:19,731 that I would not have experienced . I 112 00:05:19,731 --> 00:05:23,580 learned the joy of just being involved 113 00:05:23,580 --> 00:05:26,360 again and feeling again and knowing 114 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,910 that that whatever 115 00:05:29,910 --> 00:05:32,610 caused that depression to come on me 116 00:05:32,610 --> 00:05:34,780 and and wrap you up in a blanket that 117 00:05:34,780 --> 00:05:38,050 you just you're trapped in that I could 118 00:05:38,050 --> 00:05:40,540 get rid of it . There's always hope , 119 00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:42,560 hope is there , it's always there 120 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:46,160 through friends , family 121 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,570 organizations , it's there , you may 122 00:05:49,570 --> 00:05:52,670 not see it . All you gotta do is just 123 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:56,610 ask , I'll put a hand out and hope will 124 00:05:56,610 --> 00:05:59,590 be there when when people ask you how 125 00:05:59,590 --> 00:06:02,740 you doing , don't always say , oh I'm 126 00:06:02,740 --> 00:06:06,300 great , why don't you just stop to that 127 00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:09,550 person and say you got a minute , can 128 00:06:09,550 --> 00:06:11,750 we really talk ? And if you're that 129 00:06:11,750 --> 00:06:13,700 person asked that question to that 130 00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:17,160 individual , take that minute . Listen . 131 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:21,150 Oh , point of coming out was 132 00:06:23,340 --> 00:06:25,640 two . If someone like me can get to 133 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:27,640 that point , who was supposed to be 134 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:30,290 well grounded , well rooted , you know , 135 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:33,450 has everything going 136 00:06:34,740 --> 00:06:37,930 in my direction . You know , carry a 137 00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:40,380 lot of responsibility as per super and 138 00:06:40,380 --> 00:06:42,324 extracted through the years . If I 139 00:06:42,324 --> 00:06:43,936 could get to that point then 140 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:49,020 other people , I won't say less , but 141 00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:50,720 other people with less 142 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,496 responsibilities are less problems . 143 00:06:54,496 --> 00:06:56,040 They can get there also , you know .