1 00:00:00,640 --> 00:00:02,862 this guy just told me I may not make it 2 00:00:02,862 --> 00:00:05,640 through 12 hours . How did I get to 3 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,120 this point ? I came back to Kessler day 4 00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:13,070 or so later and uh I quickly noticed 5 00:00:13,070 --> 00:00:16,180 that my left leg had lost all I lost 6 00:00:16,180 --> 00:00:19,550 all feeling in my left leg . A side 7 00:00:19,550 --> 00:00:22,550 effect from that was a , this leg felt 8 00:00:22,550 --> 00:00:25,410 like it was constantly on fire , just 9 00:00:25,410 --> 00:00:28,040 burning like there was a piece of metal 10 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:30,090 shoved in my leg . It was just just 11 00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:32,460 unbearable the pain that was coming 12 00:00:32,460 --> 00:00:35,450 from that . uh I ended up staying in 13 00:00:35,460 --> 00:00:38,360 Kessler for about seven weeks and I was 14 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:42,560 allowed to go home to recoup . 15 00:00:43,140 --> 00:00:46,610 That's where the , probably the worst 16 00:00:46,620 --> 00:00:50,290 of everything just 17 00:00:50,290 --> 00:00:53,020 centered on me . I didn't really have 18 00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:56,120 anybody from work that lived in my 19 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:59,590 area . I'd get a few phone calls 20 00:01:00,340 --> 00:01:02,562 once , twice a week , but mainly it was 21 00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:06,340 just me , my wife and uh my 22 00:01:06,340 --> 00:01:08,173 priest would show up every every 23 00:01:08,173 --> 00:01:10,920 Wednesday and he would uh spend some 24 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:13,087 time . And of course I was just like , 25 00:01:13,087 --> 00:01:15,309 yeah , you know , I'm good . I just got 26 00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,476 a muddle through this , I'll be okay , 27 00:01:17,476 --> 00:01:19,309 everything's fine . I didn't say 28 00:01:19,309 --> 00:01:22,890 anything , but by this time I was just 29 00:01:22,890 --> 00:01:26,140 in the deepest , darkest hole that I 30 00:01:26,140 --> 00:01:30,100 could imagine because I've been around 31 00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:32,840 here for us long enough to know this is 32 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,150 a problem and I fit and I'm gonna be 33 00:01:35,150 --> 00:01:37,150 allowed to stay in . Me and my wife 34 00:01:37,150 --> 00:01:39,150 pretty much knew at some point this 35 00:01:39,150 --> 00:01:41,770 marriage is over with . We're done . 36 00:01:41,790 --> 00:01:44,560 Neither . We know that was happening . 37 00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:48,240 Where do I go , how do I live ? How do 38 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,407 I pay bills ? How does all this work ? 39 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:54,800 And I was just just sleep , slipping 40 00:01:54,810 --> 00:01:56,977 deeper and deeper into the hole that I 41 00:01:56,977 --> 00:02:00,670 was in . And I had an unlimited supply 42 00:02:00,670 --> 00:02:03,120 of painkillers . By this point , I have , 43 00:02:03,330 --> 00:02:06,860 I have three drainage bags out of my 44 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,610 abdomen hanging off to the side . So 45 00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:11,620 everywhere I go , I got these three 46 00:02:11,620 --> 00:02:14,720 bags kills and any time you just even 47 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,887 moved any of those tubes , it was just 48 00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:19,740 like a knife jabbing into you . I had 49 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,907 the burning sensation in the leg going 50 00:02:21,907 --> 00:02:24,250 on , I had that going on and I started 51 00:02:24,250 --> 00:02:27,150 eating painkillers , like Eminem 52 00:02:28,340 --> 00:02:31,900 My way to drive down to like 170 53 00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:35,470 £172. . Uh mentally I was just 54 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:39,260 a mess . I was an absolute mess . Um 55 00:02:39,270 --> 00:02:41,790 My wife worked full time , so when she 56 00:02:41,790 --> 00:02:43,901 left in the morning , I was there all 57 00:02:43,901 --> 00:02:46,660 day long by myself . The depression was 58 00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:50,420 just , I was just telling me , you're 59 00:02:50,430 --> 00:02:53,730 done , there's nothing for you , you're 60 00:02:53,730 --> 00:02:56,350 not gonna get out of this at all . Your 61 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,350 there's just no way out of this . 62 00:02:59,490 --> 00:03:01,546 That's what I came here . There's no 63 00:03:01,546 --> 00:03:03,768 way out of this , There's no way out of 64 00:03:03,768 --> 00:03:07,580 this . Uh 11 night , 65 00:03:07,590 --> 00:03:10,870 one we me and my wife had had a 66 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,050 particularly difficult afternoon or 67 00:03:13,050 --> 00:03:16,920 evening and she had gone on the bed and 68 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,360 it was like 34 o'clock in the morning . 69 00:03:19,740 --> 00:03:22,500 Mhm I'm at that point where it just 70 00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:26,160 clicked in my brain , Okay , I'm doing 71 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:30,870 I'm tired of the pain , I'm tired 72 00:03:30,870 --> 00:03:33,750 of the the 73 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,880 the feeling of crashing waves that 74 00:03:37,890 --> 00:03:40,001 there's nothing is going to help me . 75 00:03:40,001 --> 00:03:42,168 There's no way out of this . I'm gonna 76 00:03:42,168 --> 00:03:45,180 end up homeless , no place to live , no 77 00:03:45,190 --> 00:03:49,100 no income , no , no nothing . Just just 78 00:03:49,110 --> 00:03:52,000 I went from everything to nothing in a 79 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,060 matter of months , so I shuffled over 80 00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,360 to where this weapon was hit . 81 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:04,060 I just calmly without even thinking 82 00:04:04,060 --> 00:04:06,260 about anything , just pull the hammer 83 00:04:06,260 --> 00:04:08,460 back and locked it and uh 84 00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:12,660 uh huh brought the weapon up . 85 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:18,390 Mm . Even now , years 86 00:04:18,390 --> 00:04:22,200 later it's hard to admit how close I 87 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:25,560 was , but all I heard 88 00:04:25,940 --> 00:04:29,650 this is clear as a bell Was a voice and 89 00:04:29,650 --> 00:04:31,928 just said two words . He said Jimmy No . 90 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,650 Was was that , was that God speaking to 91 00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:39,460 me ? Was uh , was it my my 92 00:04:39,470 --> 00:04:42,130 my my dad who had died when I was young ? 93 00:04:42,140 --> 00:04:45,190 All I knew was clearly something was 94 00:04:45,190 --> 00:04:46,060 telling me to stop .